Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Seriously, we waited twenty years for this?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a convoluted, cartoonish mishmash of 1940’s adventure serials and 1950’s b-movie science fiction that fails on just about every level.

The plot sees Indiana Jones racing a group of Soviet soldiers to uncover the secrets of a mysterious crystal skull.

When the filmmakers spend the entire five-minute credit sequence doing nothing but emphasizing that the film is set in the 1950’s, you know you’re in trouble. And, sure enough, things get worse from there.

Remember that great scene early in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) where Jones uses his whip to swing across a small gorge, only to later wind up stranded when one of his guides betrays him? The reason that scene worked so well is because it was believable.

Fast-forward to this latest film and Jones is swinging around like Spider-Man in a way that doesn’t seem remotely plausible. Not only does it look fake, but it robs the story of a lot of tension, as Jones no longer seems human, but rather some kind of freak acrobat capable of flight.

And it gets worse. Without spoiling too much lets just say that “nuking the fridge” may one day replace “jumping the shark” in the pop-culture lexicon, and we’re not even through with the first act.

There are small moments where the old Indiana Jones magic filters through, but these flashes end up either swallowed by the gaping plot-holes or smothered by the flat characterizations. It’s damn-near unbelievable that after twenty years and countless writers and drafts this was the best they could do.