The Monster Squad

I should love The Monster Squad.

Consider its setup: a group of preteen boys hold meetings in a treehouse where they obsess over classic monster movies and fend off the intrusions of leader Sean’s 5-year-old sister. After the boys come into possession of Abraham Van Helsing’s diary, they learn of a magical amulet made of concentrated good that holds the forces of evil at bay. One day every one-hundred years, the amulet is vulnerable to destruction and—you guessed it—that day is tomorrow. The boys resolve to retrieve the amulet, but unbeknownst to them, Dracula has arrived to destroy the amulet and plunge the world into darkness. To help him, Dracula has recruited the rest of the Universal monsters, the Wolf Man, the Creature from the Black Lagoon (known here as the ‘Gil Man’), the Mummy, and Frankenstein. With the help of their neighbor, Scary German Guy, the boys put their encyclopedic monster knowledge to the test as they face down Dracula and his minions, with the fate of the world at stake.

For my 1987 self, a horror-loving preteen who knew all the ways to kill a vampire, had read Dracula and Frankenstein, and had seen all the Universal and Hammer classics, it seemed irresistible. My folks didn’t even bother asking if I wanted to see it. They took me to the theater opening weekend. And while I didn’t hate it, I was disappointed.

You see, besides being a monster-movie geek, I was also a movie fan. I’d seen enough movies to recognize a knock-off. Indeed, I’d be shocked if this wasn’t pitched as “The Goonies, but with monsters.” The characters are similar. We have the overweight kid, the older kid, and the precocious leader who serves as the group’s heart and soul. The plot is similar too: kids questing after a long-lost object, discovering secret passages, while avoiding a gang of pursuing villains.

It’s not a bad pitch, but the trouble lies with the execution. While The Goonies afforded each kid a moment to shine and advance the plot, The Monster Squad’s script by Shane Black and director Fred Dekkar renders two of the kids nondescript and unnecessary. Further, the larger budget afforded The Goonies facilitated multiple set pieces—like the cave waterside and giant pirate ship. The Monster Squad feels boxed-in by comparison, with its big adventure piece occurring for a few minutes in an old house.

I could forgive these shortcomings, but The Monster Squad has a bigger problem. Prior to seeing it, I’d also seen Fright Night. Granted, it was the TV-cut, but I recognized its premise of a vampire moving into a small town and a kid (albeit a teenager) being the only one able to stop him. I loved it. Especially its antagonist, who was the perfect combination of charismatic charm and horrific menace. In comparison, The Monster Squad’s Dracula seems cartoonish. He dresses like Lugosi but lacks an accent, drives a hearse, and solves his problems with dynamite.

These missteps are pieces of a larger problem: tone. Both The Goonies and Fright Night managed their tonal balance with subtle ease. In contrast, The Monster Squad careens between two films, one a darker, more mature effort comprising several abandoned sub-plots like Sean’s parent’s crumbling marriage (this—along with the banter between Sean’s cop father and his partner feel distinctly like Shane Black’s voice), and a concentration camp survivor’s resolution of his past trauma, and another, lighter piece that plays like The Goonies on a lower budget with the monsters subbing in for the Fratelli gang.

Compounding matters, a year prior Stand by Me proved a kid-anchored film could pack a serious punch. Even Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein in 1948, almost forty years prior, did a better job of merging comedy and horror by casting the real Lugosi and having its monsters play it straight. Here, while lines like “Wolfman’s got nards” prove memorable, they come at the monster’s expense. Just like another scene where the Mummy shows up in a kid’s closet. It makes no sense and only serves to set up another punchline at the monster’s expense. These potshots result in a Scooby-Doo-ish movie that nonetheless hinges on a character’s virginity. Not unlike another tonal misfire, Hocus Pocus.

All that said, the film flashes hints of greatness. When facing Dracula’s brides, the kids retreat until the Rudy, the always-cool bad-boy, struts out toward the vampires, bow in hand. When the others scream, “Where are you going?” he replies, with a petulant cigarette dangling from his lips, “I’m in the goddamn club, aren’t I?” It’s a terrific it’s on moment that, with better setup, could have packed a dramatic wallop. Ditto, the scene featuring Horace, the always picked-on overweight kid, who, after dispatching a monster, hears a “Good job, fat-kid” from one of his cowering tormentors, to which he replies, “My name is Horace!” and cocks his shotgun. (I wonder if they waffled between putting the shotgun pump before or after “Horace”. I would have gone before, but it works regardless.)

These bits stand out because they’re the few moments the film delivers something original. Most of the scenes and story beats feel aped from other movies. This isn’t always a bad thing, as we get a terrific werewolf transformation courtesy of Stan Winston, but most scenes fall short of their inspirations, feeling instead like cheap copies.

So The Monster Squad isn’t for me. I know folks a few years younger who likely watched it before The Goonies or Fright Night and love it, so maybe timing is everything. If it’s your first kids-in-peril movie, and you’ve never seen a serious Dracula, I can imagine this working well. But for me it feels like a Goonies knock-off that relegates my beloved monsters to cartoons. Still, every ten years or so I give it another watch, hoping it’ll click.

Maybe next time.